How To Survive School

 

Disclaimer: This post is 50% advice and 50% bad humor

I have been in school for 11 years now and I didn’t hate it for the first ten years. This is apparently a pretty good achievement as most people start hating it from High School aka, 8th grade. As I am about to begin my grade 12, that is my final year at school, I think its a pretty good time to hand out some crappy- I mean helpful- advice. Let’s go!

I’m just going to dive straight into it.

HOW TO STAY CALM

1.Have a Secret
I’m not talking about the kind of secret that distresses you but a pretty little, happy secret. I used to wear my time turner under my uniform on days when I felt down. When classes got tedious or boring I used to try channelling Hermione Granger through the turner. I’ve spent many a physics class trying to think like a wizard who was taught Physics.

2.The Mindset
Its all in the mind. So you have a class test? Remember that at the end of this day, you will end up in your soft and comfy bed irrespective of whether you mess this test up or not. Remember that whether you freak out or not, the result is unchangeable. Try to build on this calm mindset and whatever your resulting approach towards the exam is, I assure you it will be better than the earlier one.

3.The Ideal Day
Create for yourself an ideal day in the far future. You’re happy, you’re comfortable, things are going your way and you’re working on the job you like, everything is perfect. And when you start stressing in school over a silly fight, know that that utopia that you had imagined will always be there. It is definitely achievable. You have the favour of time and circumstance and one day, this fight will mean nothing.

HOW TO EAT WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT.

I never really ate in class. That’s more because I like to properly enjoy my food I guess. But my tenth grade class tried all sorts of delicacies in all sorts of situations and we, as a class have learnt some lessons. We technically learnt less about ‘How we shouldn’t be eating during History’ and more about ‘What we shouldn’t eat during class’

1. Don’t try eating anything that requires cutlery. Yes, Janet’s pasta looks delicious but Commerce class is not really an appropriate venue to eat.
2. Try not to eat anything that smells good. You’re not the only one that has a nose. Your teacher has a good appreciation for the aroma of samosas as well. Unless they are Voldemort, in which case, have as many samosas as you want.
3. There is a 100% chance everyone around you will pass around the popcorn box like it is public property so try not to keep up with it, in which case, you’ll spend the entire of calculus class glaring at Mary, then Lucy, then Tanya and soo on.
4. If you are eating something crunchy, then let the chip stay in your mouth until in begins to melt. Now is a good time to strategically lean on your hand and cover your mouth.

HOW TO MAKE PROPER FRIENDS

1.Talking
Here’s a bummer: to make friends, we actually need to communicate. IKR!? Why must the world be so mean on an introvert like me? I suggest you talk about something common. Here are a few things you should NOT talk about:
1.Your Anime/Youtube/Internet/Wattpad/Fan Fiction obsession. I know! Its difficult but this person might not be into the same fandoms as you.
2.The weather. (I’d classify you as boring)
3.Studies (maybe a little but try not to let on that you’ve spent the previous day studying your whole geography book)
4.How amazing your vacation was. (No one wants to hear it unless you have an embarrassing story. Trust me. No one.)
5.How much you hate a teacher (this will make you really good friends but it probably wont be the right kind of friends).
6. Your Zodiac obsession (I’m looking at you Aminta. You don’t ask people their sun sign the first time you meet them)

Things you could talk about:
1. Music Choices
2. Social Media Preferences (so are you more of an instagrammer or snapchatter?)
3. Food
4. Movies/Books
5. I’m really not good at this am I?

2. Humility
This may sound like a moral science class but PLEASE be humble. When you boast about things you’re good at, you sound stupid and the person won’t be able to establish a deep connection with you. This will most likely be a pretentious friendship that will break when tough times hit.

3. Common Preferences.
after you’ve been friends for a while, you could talk about common preferences and you’ll be surprised to see how much you actually have in common. If you don’t have anything in common, that’s perfectly fine as well. Try to learn about their obsessions and check them out on the internet. It is like a little portal into the kind of person they are.

HOW TO CUT OUT THE BAD FRIENDS.

This is so so difficult! Saying No to a friend who is clearly mean and selfish.

1. Tell yourself.
Inform yourself that this friend is pretty mean. Explain to yourself why you would be better off without them. Affirm yourself that you are right in making this choice even if it means you’ll be alone for a while.

2. Distancing
Try to not go along with every idea they have. Hold your stand and tell them why.
No. You don’t want to go to the cafeteria where other people breathe on you just because your friend wants a donut. No. You don’t want to “share” your essay which accounts for 30% of your grade because they spent the previous day sleeping. No. You don’t want to “share” lunches because they used up their lunch money to buy 30 lollipops.

3. The finale.
Try not to be over dramatic and rude you’re not in a Spanish soap opera and your ‘friend’ is not a demon from hell. If your distancing works right, they would have got the clue by now and would have found another person to pester. If they haven’t, make friends with another person and inform them about how you’d like to ‘drop this rude friend’ and entrust them with the responsibility of steering you away every time this friend is in the field of vision.

HOW TO SEEM BUSY WHEN ALONE.
1. Carry a book with you at all times and always. So when you’re free and your friends aren’t around, dive straight into it. You’ll seem less of a nerd with The Perks Of Being A Wallflower than with your textbook.
2. Pretend to sleep.
3. Walk from end to end like you have a purpose. Okay this seems stupid but I remember when I was a prefect and I was put in the middle of people but wasn’t given any particular charge and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, I’d power walk from one end of the field to the other as if I am searching for someone and when I reached the very end, I’d walk back in the same way and I think I convinced everybody that I was a pretty busy person not to be messed with.
4. Look out of the window unless your campus isn’t pretty. Lets just hope you have a pretty campus.

HOW TO GET AWAY FROM BEING SHOUTED AT
1. Be angry with yourself when you make a mistake.
Okay, this is how it worked for me: My teacher used to sit and ask each person to get their marks to the table so she could see where we messed up and shout at us and tell us how to be serious in life. So I would find out my mistake and when it was my turn, I’d go to her and she’d be like “How did you lose 10 marks Irene!?” and I would go “I did the entire part A right without a single mistake and the part B went good but I really messed up question 7! I knew the actual thing I don’t know what got into me! I always loose marks like this! I could have gotten full marks if I hadn’t made this ONE ERROR” Now that you’ve said everything, your teacher doesn’t have anything more to add. They’ll probably say something like “Well, exactly! silly mistakes are really dangerous! tutut.” you get off the hook much easily here than when you go up to the teacher like “I didn’t study sorry”.

2.Nod at the teacher always.
So you’re not listening in class sometimes. It happens. But when you’re teacher looks at you, nod. This will help you in the future when you haven’t done your work, you’re teacher will know that this is a student that regularly listens in class. They will believe your excuses

PLACES TO CRY

I’ve never really been in a situation where I discreetly cried in school but today’s generation feels a desperate need to do so due to various reasons which have absolutely nothing to do with how tedious the whole system has become *cough*

1. The library right in the middle of the book shelf with the fattest and most boring books. No on goes there. You’re safe.
2. The chapel. It’s always so quiet and you could always cover your face if someone comes in and tell them you’re praying.
3. at your desk. Put your head down act like you’re sleeping and if you feel the tears, you can always rub your tears on the cardigan of the uniform or keep a tissue on your lap before crying so you can wipe it off quickly.
4. the classic ‘something got into my eye trick’ it speaks for itself but ensure that you don’t have really curious friends around or those creepy ones that insist on blowing into your eye.

HOW TO HIDE PUPPIES IN THE CLASS.
My tenth grade class was a wild ride. Yes we hid little pups in class. Get the pup in during break so that everyone has enough class to appreciate and pet it. Then get a Huge cardboard box and place something soft to blanket it. Don’t put papers or crunchy leaves because it makes a lot on noise. We were lucky that the pup fell asleep before anything else happened. Place the animal in the box and put the box right at the back of the class. Place a person with most laughter resistance in the bench before it. Cover the box but don’t tape it. Let the flaps be openable. Threaten your class with dire consequences if anyone laughs or lets secrets out. Steal glances at each other and the back when the teacher is in class. If the Dog makes a little noise, someone cough loud or everybody laugh at one so that the teacher doesn’t know.

HOW TO PREVENT THE TEACHER FROM TAKING CLASS.
1.During important occasions like teachers’ day or children’s’ day, the entire class used to draw all over the board and graffiti it and pretend to get really really upset if the teacher insists on erasing it. “Ma’am we spent the whole morning drawing it!”
2. Hid the duster. Your math teacher won’t be able to proceed beyond a few sums.

HOW TO NOT GET CAUGHT WHEN THE ENTIRE CLASS IS TAKING A SELFIE
Why do I know this? Tenth grade.
When the entire class is up front and trying to take a selfie and the teacher barges in, everyone look around and get down on your knees. The person who was on a chair in order to ensure proper lighting pretend to be the leader. Claim that someone lost their gold earring. Our chemistry teacher actually looked with us.

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